Isolation and Shame

Isolation and shame are at the centre of the emotional wound created when a loved one leaves resulting in the terrible shame of being thrown away. Shame is what drives you to keep silent about your feelings.

Loss can be worked through, it can be mitigated, it can be displaced, it can be projected, channelled, medicated, and lessened. But the shame of abandonment evades almost all remedies. Almost all of us have felt the tidal wave of shame that washes over us when we have been left – the condemning silence and crushing isolation and shame.

Don’t let this feeling overwhelm you. Instead name what you’re feeling, lift it out of isolation. This helps to dissolve the shame.

At first, when your world seemed to shatter, being alone was a shock, devastating. During withdrawal, being alone was an unwelcome condition that intensified your grief. During the inernalising stage, you see being alone as evidence that you are unworthy of love.

It is at this point that being alone is transformed into self-deprecation. In isolation, your shame can incubate, continuing and creating the invisible wound of abandonment.

At the very heart of the shame is the belief that you are undeserving of love, a crucial and potentially dangerous belief. Remember this is a feeling, one commonly experienced by abandonment survivors. As potent as it is, it is only a feeling, not a fact. You are deserving of love, as we all are.

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