Indictment is one of shame’s chief reinforces . The question most people can’t help but ask during this stage, no matter how strong their self esteem, is: What did I do to deserve this? Self doubt and recriminations are usually potent enough to override affirmations you may be using to keep your self-esteem afloat.
We naturally question our beliefs about life and ourselves when we grapple with loss. It is a normal part of grieving process. When abandonment is involved, this introspection can develop into a scathing internal dialogue.
Why do we indict ourselves? As painful and potentially destructive as these thoughts are, they serve a temporary purpose. They provide a sense of control over what has happened. By holding ourselves culpable, we feel we have the power to change the things that brought the relationship to an end. We reason that all we have to do , is correct our faults and we can get our lost partners back.
Even if they don’t come back, at least we can learn what to do ( or not to do ) for the next time. Accepting all of the responsibility for the failure of your relationship can lead to further self-injury.
As you look inside for deficiencies to correct, you may come to believe that there is something inherently unacceptable a bout you. Be aware of this noxious idea, which is erroneous and temporary by-product of your loss.
Many feelings described above belong to the child within , not to your adult self. It is important to reassure your child self that being alone is temporary. If you choose to be in another relationship, you shall be.
Your isolation does not mean that you are unworthy , only that you are in a period of transition and profound personal growth.
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