Idealising the Abandoner

Idealising the one who has left them is a feature of abandonment survivors which ultimately diminishes their self worth. This is often the most difficult thing for friends and family to understand. For many, lost partners acquire power because of the pain they caused when they left.

This pain becomes a power to fear, a force that intimidates you. It is easy to become confused by this fear and imagine that your abandoner is more powerful, more important than he or she really is. Being left has temporarily placed you in a subordinate position.

You’re astounded by the power of their absence; you’re emotionally overwhelmed by the power of their absence; you’re overwhelmed by the strength of your attachment to them.

Feeling at an emotional disadvantage and powerless to change things, the natural tendency is to create a hierarchy in which you place the abandoner somewhere above you – on a pedestal.

Potentially, there can be danger here to re wound oneself by attempting to recommence or engage with the abandoner.

Usually the abandoner is so enamoured with their new life that such an approach usually results in further rejection by the abandoner , more pain and wounding for us which results in more inner criticism of the self.

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