In my expereience, depression caused by abandonment has it's own uniqueness and impact. There are many forms of depression and my expereince is that abandonment depression is "reactive depression" caused by an external event. The fall out from abandonment that leads to depression can be devastating. My life felt it had totally unravelled following the news of my adoption. This discovery , coming as it did at age 40, caused enormous shock, disbelief , fear , betrayal and a multitude of other emotions.

Then followed the "black hole", a term I used to describe my feelings at that time. I felt my life, my whole being, self worth, confidence and image of myself as I had known and lived it, was totally shattered and consumed by a very bleak and dark place - the "black hole". I slumped into a very dark abyss where depression knawed at my being and soul. Attempting to pick up the pieces of my life, make sense of it while struggling to understand the news of my adoption and what that ultimately meant, was almost too much to bear.

Deep anxiety and fear of the future left me energetically depleted, yet I had to keep going day by day to care for my sons and create some semblance of normality and consistency in our lives. Depression,reduced energy and patience made each day a marathon minefield to manage. Sadness,distrust of others and myself and inner dialouge where I imploded on myself, created more self wounding and pain which exacerbated depressed feelings and mood.

Eventually after my physical self became depleted from inability to eat and major weight loss, I decided I needed to have counselling. The highlight of my week became seeing my counselor where I grew safe and trusitng enought to explore the terrifying feelings and psychic assaults on my life and being .

I was also blessed to have a large network of friends and family who supported me , listened endlessly to my need to talk through my changed life circumstances and who also did practical things like bring home cooked meals to my sons and I. Without their constant love and support, I may not be here today.

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