Surviving Secrets
Adoption, Betrayal, Abandonment

Surviving secrets relates to the late revelation of my adoption at age 40. This occurred in mid life when my identity was well formed. The revelation of this news created enormous trauma and a sense of betrayal and abandonment which took some years to integrate. Two and a half years of searching for my birth family resulted in a miraculous reunion. All of my comments regarding adoption relate to my situation only. I am aware that there are many adoptees who have varying opinions on adoption, based on their own experiences of adoption and upbringing by their adoptive family. All adoptees are specialists of their own experiences. I do not consider I can comment on another's experience or situation.

I do, however, have strong views on the secrecy and witholding of information concerning an adoptees heritage, family of origion,family medical history as it impacted me and my life. In numberous situations, adoptive families constructed fantasy/untrue stories which were passed from generation to generation concerning an adopted person's true history.

Six years after my birth family reunion, I experienced the traumatic loss by suicide of my partner Robert. For over 30 years he had kept secret his diagnosis of bi polar disorder and did not seek medical treatment for it. Eventually the disorder won out and due to stresses in his life, he suicided.

These two major life events led me to enquire and research the effects and impact of abandonment resulting from the separation from my birth mother and the impact of traumatic loss of a loved one. Recent advances in brain chemistry research and the physiological impacts of abandonment provide insight and understanding which can assist people heal and integrate losses. This enables people to move forward in their life .


A loss of love, a feeling of disconnection, being left behind, not belonging, feeling left out, on the outside looking in ……………….

It often involves break-up, betrayal, feelings of aloneness and of being different. Often people experience these feelings singularly, or one after another over a period of months or years, depending on events in ther life.

Abandonment and it's associated feelings have a personal and individual theme for us all. It is an extremely personal and individual experience. Sometimes it is lingering grief caused by old losses. Sometimes it is fear. Sometimes it can be an invisible barrier and reluctance holding us back from forming relationships or from reaching our true potential. It sometimes takes the form of self-sabotage and self wounding . We can create patterns of abandonment where we self sabotage ourselves and our relationships.

It also involves a biological process in brain science with biological and chemical processes that underpin our emotional reaction and response to loss.

My name is Margaret. Surviving secrets are my experiences of integrating adoption, abandonment, separation and trauma - all contributors to my written memoir of the same title. I hope my experiences , observations and teachings I have learned in my personal journey of therapy, healing and formal study will contribute positively to those reading this site.

It has taken me several years to trawl through and integrate my experiences and feelings of abandonment, loss and trauma. Staying with the often painful feelings and integrating them on a somatic, cellular memory level ( in the body memory) and intellectual levels , has provided a fulfilled sense of completion, being grounded and assertive in myself. This has enabled me to view, behave and see the world in a healed and holisitc way.

I offer this site and my experiences to you. Others have and will continue to tread the thorny paths of abandonment, loss and trauma. You are not alone. My experiences have taught me that healing is possible and I trust this site will encourage your exploration and healing for yourself.

biological impact
biological impact physical impact of abandonment
internalising rejection,
internalising rejection is a feature of abandonment
grief and loss,
grief and loss is a response to abandonment
emotional injury,
emotional injury resulting from abandonment has it's own particular features of grief and loss.
Idealising the Abandoner reduces your personal power to heal
Impotent rage
Impotent rage The internalising stage of abandonment has it's own type of anger
Isolation and shame
Isolation and shame are the central emoitional wound when abandoned
Indictment is one of shame's chief reinforces of abandonment .
identity crisis
identity crisis can be a result from abandonment
Invisibility can result from abandonment
contact me
contact me